I have been humbled and honored by the enthusiastic support I have received since launching my book, Blind Awakening. While everyone's kind words have brought me immense joy, I must admit that I have also felt a bit guilty for accepting the praise for something I couldn't help but do. You see, I am a caretaker by nature, so there wasn't actually a choice I had to make. Like so many other caretakers, there is just something in us that drives us to help those in need.
I know for me, especially during the time in my life that Jeff lived with us, I would never have considered not caring for my brother. For that matter, I volunteered to take care of other people as well, regardless of whether it was the best thing to do for me or my family. I absolutely believed that it was the right thing to do, even though others may not require the same of themselves. It's just the way I was made--or so I thought.
The truth is that I was not just caring, but I was also very codependent back then. I put everyone's needs and feelings above my own. I was the ultimate "people-pleaser." Of course I didn't know this about myself, and I certainly wouldn't have understood the problem with it had someone tried to point it out to me (I'm pretty sure a few people may have tried). I felt deeply responsible to help others regardless of the cost to me and my family. To not help someone felt wrong on so many levels.
I have since learned a great deal about codependency and how to set healthy boundaries for myself. As a result, I am better able to take care of myself, as well as still caring for others. I no longer take over the responsibility for others, but rather choose who I help and to what degree. This would have felt selfish in the past, but now I see very clearly how it is more accurately self-care. While I am still a caretaker, I am no longer willing to pay the sacrificial price for being a "people-pleaser."
I encourage my caring friends to take a moment to ask themselves a few questions: Are you doing for others that which they can do for themselves? Do you know more about others feelings and needs than you do your own? Do you feel indispensable to the person you are caring for? Do you deny your true feelings or true-self? Are you taking care of yourself in the same loving manner you are caring for others? Are you allowing other people to help you carry the responsibilities?
If you answered "yes" to two or more of the first four questions, and "no" to the last two, you may find it beneficial to learn about codependency. I hope that by understanding the difference between being a codependent and being a caretaker you would learn to set healthy boundaries, and ultimately find the true joy of giving. It can be a difficult journey to change from who we think we are, to the person we perhaps were meant to be, or want to become--but certainly a journey well worth taking!