Have you ever been in the position of receiving help or donations from family, friends, and even strangers? It is a humbling experience to say the least, and even uncomfortable for most. It can make you feel loved and cared for like you never experienced before, yet indebted for all you have received.
We all seem to enjoy being the one who gives, the one who "helps", and the one who makes someone else's load a little lighter. Being on the receiving end of such generosity however, is a very different experience. I have personally been on both sides, and have listened to, and counseled both the "giver" and the "receiver". I was reminded today how complicated these situations can become, so I wanted to share some insights that I have learned along the way.
I have a friend who is going through cancer treatment and her friends have graciously provided dinners for her and her family. While this act of kindness was much appreciated, it comes with a great deal of unwanted pressure. Starting with the need to make sure the "giver" gets their dishes back, along with a thank you card, and an abundance of gratitude. While the "receiver" was sick immediately after her surgery, the meals were much appreciated. As her health improved, the meals slowly stopped. She was grateful for the generous acts of kindness.
She then started her cancer treatments, and she was feeling a little bad, but nothing like she had post surgery. She was informed by her loving friends that meals were once again going to be delivered. She politely and graciously tried to decline the "help", however her friends demanded that she "just let them help her".
Now here is where the dilemma arises--given that today my friend is feeling good enough to finally go out to dinner with her family, she feels stuck because she doesn't want the person who is leaving a meal at her door step to feel as though she isn't grateful. She feels guilty that she isn't sick today.
Another example is when it comes to donating money. Usually the "receiver" is never the one soliciting the donations. Again, they are usually beyond humbled by the generous "givers" and genuine kindness that all who donated have shared with them.
Yet, many of the "receivers" feel obligated to use the financial donations in a way that will be perceived by the "givers" as acceptable or frugal. Most people who give financial donations are doing so because they are compelled by the belief that the recipient is in a financial crisis or there is a financial burden, even though that may not necessarily be true.
For example, I have a friend who lost her husband, and few realize that they had recently ordered a new car prior to his death. Now that a "go fund me" page was set up by loving family and friends, this grieving wife is worried that the "givers" will assume she spent all the donations on buying a fancy new car.
I have listened to “givers” express their frustrations when they didn’t receive the gratitude they anticipated, or weren’t given the opportunity to help. They make comments like, “I’m trying to help, but so and so won’t tell me what they need”. That might be because the person either can’t think about what they need, or they have things handled at that time.
These are a few example of many stories I have witnessed, and the feelings of both are echoed for a majority of the people who receive "help". The primary reason I write this today is to remind the "givers" to give a gift judgement and string free.
*Let go of assumptions of how a gift "OUGHT" to be received or appreciated...give because you chose to and let go of any expectations.
*When you give a gift, whether it's in service or money, do so without control or strings attached.
*Don't be judgmental or be offended if you see the "sick" or "person-in-need" out having fun--it may be one of the rare moments they were able to get out of the house or to forget about their terrible circumstance.
*Don't assume you know the person's financial situation, therefore, how they ought to use your gift.
*Imagine how it might feel if you were the one receiving "help and/or donations."
*Listen to the person when they are adamant that they don't need help, they actually may have a handle on their situation. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t appreciative of the offer.
BE A GENEROUS, STRING-FREE GIVER!